I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
