This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
