I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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