I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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