when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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