Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
