so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
