Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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