I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
