I think my vagina is haunted
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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