Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's shark week go big or go home
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
