yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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