I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
