Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
