that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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