The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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