It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize