When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
