when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
