You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
