Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
