no, he came in my armpit
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
