Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
