Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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