True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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