hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
