her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
