Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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