Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
