There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
