I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
