I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
