a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
