I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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