i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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