just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
