i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
