..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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