Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
