I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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