I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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