your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
