I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
