Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
