Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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