i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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