I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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