My liver just broke up with me...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
