youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
