i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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