Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize