dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
