she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
