Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
